May 23, 2017 ... At Seven Months

Today - May 23, 2017 - is the seven-month mark since MoMo left on her journey.  Ironically, I had therapy too.  I looked up the phases of grief (denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), I was not surprised that jealousy was not one of them.  What I can tell you that I know at this stage of my journey is that I am angry that I did not get to say good-bye to MoMo.  I know she got to say good-bye because of the little yellow butterfly...that was her way of saying good-bye.

At Seven Months
The shock is gone
Denial is completely in the past
It is very real that they are not here 
They will not and cannot return 
No matter how many times you beg God to wake you from this nightmare
No matter how hard you cry
The anger and the depression battle for control
You have accepted that they are gone
It is something that is very, very real
You talk to the sky, the air, hoping that they are listening
Listening just like they did when you were a kid and telling them about something that they completely didn't understand
Or listening like they did when you were an adult sitting across the table from them asking for their advice on one of the most important decisions of your life
Only, you will not hear their voice
You realize that you aren't too sure you remember what their voice sounds like and you feel guilt
Not the kind of guilt that Rex, the T-Rex in Toy Story, feel when he throws up
It is the kind of guilt that makes you cry or scold yourself as to how could you even manage to forget what their voice sounds like
You can look at their picture and smile and not always cry
Your heart, despite being broken is beating and with each sunrise and sunset, it beats just a little bit stronger
The numbness is mixed with the feeling of being lost
You are realizing that this is new normal
Here you are at seven months.