Bradley Cooper Completely Validates 2015 for Miss Marjorie!

In March of 2014, I started this blog know that I would fail.  Failure is part of life.  It so often has a negative connotation attached to it.  I remember when one of the mantras at the school I teach at was "Failure is not an Option at ****!"  I just looked at a few of my close peers and stated "but it sure as hell is a possibility."  As a teacher, I believe that failure is part of the equation for learning.  As Alexander Pope stated, "To err is human, to forgive is divine."  This past year, I have embraced my failures and by that, I mean that I have learned from them ... well, most of them.  There are a few that I am still figuring out.   I have not wallowed in self pity, sat around crying, ( I have cried but usually while driving), and beat myself up for my shortcomings.

A few years ago, a colleague and friend made this analogy about me.  "Christa," with a huge smile she said, "You are like a 747 taking off on a runway.  When you get an idea, you start at the end of the runway and get your engines going.  You then proceed down the runway and once you lift off the pavement and get into the air, there is no calling you back."  She is as right now if she were sitting by me today saying as she was then.  My 747 idea of 2015 was to make the life altering decision of moving back into my childhood home.  I written about the house previously, "Walls."  I turned 48 in September and did a lot of soul searching and realized that the house that I was working so hard to maintain, that's first section was built in 1873, was the heart of my existence... was going to be standing when I was ready to move in, I was going to have to stop paying out rent and utilities and put it into the house.   I had my 30th high school reunion in October and after consulting my 16 year-old son, asked my 72 year old mother if we could move.  With great delight, she quickly said yes and within a week, everything was set in motion for me to make the biggest decision of my life that would impact not just me but my son and my mother since my separation and divorce three years ago.

With this decision, I knew that my entire world was going to change.   I officially became a member of the "Sandwich Generation."  PEW Research shows that 1 out of 8 Americans between the ages of 40 and 60 are part of this generation.  We are simultaneously caring for one or more of our children and one or both parents.  We are stuck between these two other generations for a variety of reasons and or combination of food/household bills, debt, home renovation, medical costs, and or educational fees.  I have say that I am 100% all of those reasons.

First, I filed for bankruptcy in December of 2014 to recover from the divorce and debts that followed me out of the marriage.   I was granted a Chapter 13, which is the one that is primarily known as the "one you pay back" on.  So, there went a sizable amount of my monthly paycheck.  Secondly, the educational fees were still very much a part of my life.  I am still paying on my student loans from my Bachelor's and Master's.  While they are currently included in the bankruptcy, what is not paid by the time I am completed (December 2019), I will continue to pay.  My youngest son will graduate high school in June of 2017, so I will be looking at him being in college at least 3 semesters by the time my bankruptcy is complete.  Thirdly comes the food and household bills.  As a single parent of a 16 year old boy, you understand the line from Field of Dreams  - "if you build it, they will come" -  within the context of food.   If you buy it, they will eat it.  If you buy in bulk, they will eat in bulk.  I had a membership in Sam's and Costco's at one time and yes, while it was thrifty as I checked out of the store to have purchased the amount of food that I had for the price I had.  Reality set in when about a week later, most of the food was inhaled during some ritualistic grazing feast that teen boys observe.  Fourth is the repayment of debt which has basically been covered in the second of educational debt.  Fifth are medical costs.  There is therapy and prescribed medications on my part, my sons part and then you add the daft system of medicare for my mother...it totally sucks someone dry.  Lastly, and I think the greatest impacting factor, was home restoration.  It had become very clear to me that if I was going to be able to move into the house at some point later in life, I was going to have to be putting the money into the house that I had been putting into rent and other utilities.  I had already slashed cable/satellite from the budget and did not have a land line.  It made complete sense, monetarily.

For my mother, sister, and aunt, there came the security that I would be living with my mother, who at 72 has a pace maker and a tendency to fall.  For my son, well...I don't think there has been a huge change except that his bedroom would now be on the second floor and not the basement.  For me, there are the changes of boundaries.  I am not the little girl my mother raised and she is not the physically active mother she was as a child.  We have had to institute some understandings.  Momo (that is what we call her instead of Grandma) cannot initiate a conversation or carry a conversation on with me unless I am in the same room with her.  Mainly because I can't hear her over the TV, the animals, the boy, and whatever I am doing in the other room.  So I have taken to giving the blanket response when this understanding is misunderstood, "Are we in the same room? No!"    My phone.  My phone is a smart phone and it does a lot of really cool things.  It makes all kinds of really cool noises and sounds and yes they go off multiple times, but I am not a slave to my phone.  It is a smart phone for a reason and it takes messages.  The most recent understanding is that in the morning, you cannot ask me a series of questions or give me a series of tasks and expect me to accomplish them.  This is just not possible for a number of reasons.  First, I just woke up and my brain needs to be infused with coffee and my daily dose of Adderall for my ADHD.  My ADHD, my busy brain, my chemo brain, I think you get it.  Then there is my already non-existent social life that just became even more non-existent when I respond to the question, "Your place or mine?"  Well, it will have to be yours, because I live with my mom.  ( :/ )

So, the beginning of November 2015, I moved for the last time in my life and back to my childhood home and MY ROOM.  There was a peace and a comfort to this move that I am still working through.  It has been hard to get used to having television for the first time in two years.  I now live with the woman that chooses her satellite/cable provider by whether or not they have the Hallmark Channel.  So now that I have watched all the possible Christmas movies and with the start of the new year will come the Valentine's movies, I have determined that I will be in a diabetic comma by Easter, if not sooner.  One of the things that I requested be DVR'd was the Barbara Walters' Most Interesting People of 2015.  Ah, now comes the text to media connection!  (Yes, I play an English teacher at school.)   One of the individuals that she chose was  Bradley Cooper.  Yes, THE Bradley Cooper.  The one that we cannot simply fathom why he and Jennifer Lawrence area not together, because if one of us cannot have him why she should because she is just totally cool.   In the middle of the interview, Walter's asked him about his father's death and then indicated that after his father's death, he had his mother move in with him.  What?!?!?! did I just hear?!?!?!?!  Bradley Cooper, the man that was once told by his agent that he did not get certain roles because he was not "fuckable!" lives with his mom.  At that very moment, the biggest and smartest decision I have made in a very, very long time, was just validated by Bradley Cooper.

Why I Will Leave Education

Before you read this posting, you need to read this first: https://karareevesblog.wordpress.com/2015/11/26/a-not-so-graceful-exit-why-i-left-teaching/

I started to write this in the comments section of the sister that posted it with the simple statement "For my teaching friends and family...." but I thought it would be rude to go on a tirade on some one's page rather than my own. Then, a spark...Miss Marjorie this is so about your journey and the path you are on.

This brought me to tears. I know that I am one of those that cannot leave, yet. I know that I have to teach in the district I teach in until my youngest graduates (June 2017) because we do not live in the district and I have to teach until my bankruptcy is done (December 2019). June 2020 is my date for a probably not so graceful exit because simply, I don't do things with grace...usually it is loud and with a huge bang. I know that education is not the education that I came to 24 years ago. Change happens. I was never so idealistic that I thought I could save every child, but I was idealistic in that I could reach at the least one child. I went to college with the intention of becoming a Social Studies teacher and along the way (or my path less traveled) I landed in Special Education. I know that I have for various reasons, but mostly because they have told me and not because I sought out the validation. Their timing has always been impeccable, or rather God's, in bringing them into my life not once but twice. Without even asking a single one of them, I know in my heart and would stake my career on it, that the things that I have done have absolutely nothing to do with their performance on State and District wide assessments, "student engagement, higher-order thinking, Daily 5, everyday mathematics, common core aligned, critical thinking, portfolio assessment, hands-on, multiple intelligences, discovery learning, balanced reading, IEP, chunking, differentiated instruction, direct instruction, deductive thinking, extrinsic motivation, formative assessment, inclusion, individualized instruction, inquiry-based learning, learning styles, mainstreaming, manipulative, literacy, life-long learning,flexible grouping, data driven, SMART goals, DIBELS" (http://k6educators.about.com/od/professionaldevelopment/tp/7-Buzzwords-Your-Most-Likely-to-Hear-in-Education.htm) ... Think about it, envision leaders of governments doing a think-pair-share activity to problem solve a major world crisis or conflict....Not going to happen.

Here is what works, the adult drops whatever they are doing and listens to the child. Listening does not always mean that you are going to actually have vocalizations coming from the child, or young adult as I teach high school students. Is it important to cover the curriculum? Yes but, not at the expense to the individual or individuals. There are teachable moments that arise the very moment that you, as the teacher, have made the realization that you are running out of time to cover all that the curriculum says you must cover. I, without a doubt, believe that 100% of the students that I have had an impact on (whether I know it or not) will defend me in saying that because I seized that teachable moment (writing this and having visions of the genius that was Robin Williams saying "Seize the Day!"), I put aside all of the bull shit buzzwords above and started a completely off topic, out of discipline round table discussion in class or I have simply sat down and listened to what that individual was saying, has made the greater impact. Yesterday, on a Monday after a 5 day holiday break the last hour of the day, I attempted to lead a Kagan Strategies 4-Corners activity and was not being even as remotely successful as I had been the first hour of the day. With 25 minutes left in the class period, I announced that they had a choice to play nice and participate or I could guarantee them that I could talk for 25 minutes straight without a break with no problem and they would be my captive audience. A voice from within the crowd (of which I knew exactly which student it was by recognition of the voice) stated "I am sure that you could talk a lot longer than 25 minutes." We made it ten more minutes. For 15 minutes, that class sat in their desks and made eye contact with me as I spoke to them (not at them) about the American Dream. About what it means to be wealthy beyond measure and it has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of money you have. About the fact that the root word for activism is active. You must leave the confines of your safe environment and physically get out there and do something about it. You have to put yourself in places that are out of your comfort zone. You have to be active. That you must take responsibility for your own learning because I am not hear to teach you what to think but how to think while providing a safe environment for you to take the risks that are seizing the day. For 15 minutes, every student (even the ones that typically evade me) was looking at me and listening to what I was saying.  There was no side conversations and there were no phones out with extra curricular texting  What was it that indicated to me that my students were "cognitively engaged?"  Their body language.  When I hit a nerve, a sad place, a happy place, a I-never-thought-of-that place...you could visibly see changes in their expressions, their skin color, their movement in their seat. But the most glaring indicator, was that when the bell rang at the end that very long day, they did not start the ritualistic packing of the things to escape while I was still talking.  Cognitive engagement...and there was not an administrator in sight to evaluate me with the highest of all ratings of a 7 on the Network for Educator Effectiveness scale.  That 15 minutes was more meaningful to me than that 7 could or will ever be.

As a teacher, I have learned more from the people that have sat in those desks in front of me than I ever learned from a text book myself. I hope that, at least a few of them are able to say the same.

While 2020 seems far away, it is not. I have a plan. I am laying the path and it will not be in education.