In 1997, I was married to the father of my children.
In 1998, I adopted our oldest son (the result of his father's first marriage).
In 1999, I gave birth to our youngest son. The boys are seven years apart.
From 1997 to 2012, I was what I termed a "firehouse widow." This meaning that the man I was married to was a firefighter/paramedic on rotating 24-hour shifts full time along with working for a local ambulance service that more often than not left me at home with the boys alone.
I stayed in the marriage for a number of reasons that are better left to when I actually write my book. For this particular post, I can tell you one of the main reasons was because I did not think that I could financially provide for both of the boys and myself without a second income. I have learned a lot about money over the past four years and the hardest but best lessons have come from having to live the reality of filing for bankruptcy. My ex filed for bankruptcy without me and received a Chapter 7 (didn't have to pay back). Almost two years from the date that we were formally divorced, I filed and received a Chapter 13 (you pay back). I held out for as long as I did because I wanted to prove to myself that I did not NEED the second income and I did not NEED a man to support me. I cannot tell you that I did not receive help from time to time from my mother because I did. What I can tell you though is that I can sure as hell stretch a $5 balance in my bank account almost 10 days. I have gone without many wants that in reality, I really didn't want. I have also done without needs so that my son (our oldest was already out of the house when we divorced) would have everything that he needed and some of what he wanted. Since the divorce, I have never relied on the child support that has been owed to me and my youngest son because for some reason, it never went through our state child-support enforcement system. The amount of delinquent child support owed to our son is in the two-digit thousands. I have previously written about moving in with my mother because I had proven to myself that I could stand on my own two feet and it was time for me to stop making my life harder, especially financially, than it needed to be. For almost a year, both my mother and I cut some expenses and all three of us were able to enjoy a few more wants than in the past. For my mother, it was the development of an addiction to the Bread Co. for lunch.
In October of 2016, when my mother left for her journey, I rightfully and audibly made the statement on the way to the hospital, "Where are we going to live if she is gone?" To date, I am still in my childhood home and paying the second mortgage and HELOC she left behind on the house. We do have weeks where there are no wants and only needs. I still shop at re-sale stores, ALDI, and really struggle to even pay the sale price on something at Target, Kohls, or JC Penny. For teachers, school districts close out their fiscal year as of June 30th. There are no paychecks typically generated until the start of the following school year starts so the month of July and the start of August can be fairly lean. The past two summers, I have worked as a teacher's aide for the high school credit recovery to pay legal bills and to be able for us to get a few of those wants. I have worked in after school study halls and covered classes and at one time, I actually worked the front desk of a local hotel both Saturday and Sunday nights and netted a paycheck in the amount of child support we had not been receiving.
I am not telling you any of this for you to be angry with the boys' father, to feel sorry for me, or to make people even think that she had it easier than I did. I tell you this because it is my path that I have walked. This is the pair of shoes that I have worn. It also sets the stage for the validation that I received today. I have been working my ass off since filing my son's FASFA using only my information to be told that the Expected Family Contribution (i.e....MY contribution) to our son's education would be $13,000. Yeah, right is what I thought then. I have completed financial aid forms, applied for scholarships, for assistance through Division of Vocational Rehabilitation, completed the form indicating that since I have filed for a bankruptcy in the past four years....our son is eligible for $4000 extra in unsubsidized national student loan, I have searched for scholarships and forced our son to sit and complete surveys. The one thing that I have not done is to force our son to get a job because of the custody arrangement. In the past few weeks, since his graduating from high school, I have been in a panic because I was not eligible to co-sign on a private student loan for $10,000. He was not allowed to get one without a co-signer because he doesn't have a FICO score. My thought was that he had just turned 18 and graduated high school, he should not have a FICO score. After a conversation with my sister, we don't remember it being this difficult 30 years ago. There are no family members on either side of the DNA pool that can co-sign.
Today, in the mail, came the first-semester bill for our son's education. For someone that is still paying back her student loans from 30 years ago through her bankruptcy, teaching personal finance (that is irony worthy of a totally separate post), and teaching College 101...I know that there are three things that anyone who goes to college is guaranteed: death, taxes and student loans. I had our son open the bill himself...yep, a little reality 101. His response was "WOW that is a lot of money." He looked at me and I basically told him now you know why I have been such a bitch about you applying for scholarships etc. I reach out my hand and he handed me the bill. I looked at the current term's charges and then the current term's payments. I looked at the balance due and realized that there was not one of is awarded scholarships. I also realized that with his funding from Direct Subsidized and Unsubsidized Stafford Loans, a foundation scholarship, and his Red/Black Scholarship and then subtracting the scholarship not posted, the balance owed for the first semester was what I netted in one paycheck.
This showed me that not only can I stand on my own two feet period, I can do it financially and support my son. Will I do without a few wants, if that is what it takes for my son to go to college, I sure as hell will and I will make sure that it is known that I did it. I will have to be creative and will have to do without and I can do all of this knowing that my son's future is bright and no one person, no one man is needed for this single mom to make sure that her child or children have what they need and some of their wants and can get the life that they want and deserve.
