Tailspin of Mammoth Proportion...

Two months ago, my world went into a total tailspin.  Not just the kind of tailspin that a person takes and then gets up, dusts themselves off, and moves forward.  It took a tailspin of the NASCAR variety that makes the national news...you know the kind that news just keeps replaying the impact during the story 5 or 6 times and you as the viewer do not even hear what the news anchor is saying while repeating to yourself, "Is this really happening?"

Two months ago, my seventy three year old mother passed away.  It was not expected by any means.  MoMo, as we had lovingly come to call her and a name that my students will tell you will be followed by some form of a story from me, had not been feeling well for a couple of days but we both chalked it up to being October and cold/flu season.  Saturday evening, MoMo complained that her feet were like ice and that she was so cold. She went to bed at 8:30 that night but that was not uncommon.  What was uncommon was that she actually went to bed because she would normally lay in bed and read for a couple hours.  The next morning, she did not go to church with me but when I returned home, MoMo was very proud that she had taken a shower and felt a little bit better.  I spend my afternoon working in the yard.  I had noticed, a number of times, that there was a faint yellow butterfly just flitting around the yard but never coming close to me.  I went into the house about four and MoMo was settling into her chair.  I could tell that whatever was going on with her, she was weak.  I sat down to watch one of the shows that she had on the DVR with her.  For the next hour, she would comment about how cold she was while I just sat there and sweating.  It wasn't an out of character warm day in October for Missouri nor what it an out of character cold day.  About five, I noticed that she was sleeping, paused the program, and went into the kitchen to make dinner.  My boyfriend came over to help me change a belt on the used John Deere riding lawn mower that she just purchased for me and that I just glowed over.  The butterfly was still just flitting around.  We had gone in about five till six and spoken with her.  She said something and I just told her, "Old woman, you don't feel well.  Just take a nap."  MoMo laughed at me.  She totally laughed at me.  We went back out and at one point, the little yellow butterfly came over to us and circled around us and then flew off to the next destination.  At 6:25 pm, the tailspin began with the simple pull of a chain that turned on a light in our living room.  My seventeen year old son realized before I did that MoMo had not just taken a nap, but had taken an eternal nap.  Fully reclined with her iPad on her stomach, there was no sign of a struggle, MoMo's lips had no color to them and were the ashen grey.  I tried to "wake" her and ran to a wall that had not had a phone hanging on it for some 30 years to call 911.  

While her death certificate reads the time her death was called in Room 15 of the local emergency room of 7:05 pm,  I can tell you that the time she left this world was probably closer to 6:00 pm.  

I am a firm believer in signs.  That yellow butterfly was a sign.  It spend the afternoon just hanging around the back yard until her soul was ready for the journey she was to take. The yellow butterfly is a symbol of hope and guidance.  My boyfriend is a childhood friend, one that grew up two houses down from me.  We reconnected in May and had been pretty much inseparable since late June.  MoMo had often commented on how happy she was that he and I are together and that she knew how loved and protected I was with him.  On this day, that little yellow butterfly was what early Christians believed to be a symbol of the soul and even more so that in the countries of Scotland and Ireland means that the departed soul is at peace.  I do believe that MoMo is at peace.  I do believe that she knew she could go and that my sister and I are in good hands.  

The following day, October 24 was my parent's fifty-first wedding anniversary.  Since my father's passing in 2008, they were together in the same place.  That made it all the more sweeter for her.  

Two weeks later, as I had done for my father, I spoke at her Celebration of Life and today, two months after, I share.  

"EIGHT YEARS AND 5 WEEKS AGO, I STOOD HERE AND GOD BLESSED ME WITH THE WORDS TO CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF MY FATHER.  STANDING HERE THEN AND NOW, I DID NOT FATHOM THAT I WOULD BE HERE SO SOON FOR MY MOTHER, MOMO.  I HAVE ASKED THAT GOD BLESS ME WITH THE WORDS AGAIN TO CELEBRATE HER LIFE.  

TWO WEEKS LATER, I HAVE COME THROUGH SOME PORTION OF ALL THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF BUT NOT IN THE ORDER THEY SAY YOU GO THROUGH THEM. WHAT I COME BACK TO EVERY TIME IS “I HAVE RUN THE RACE.  I HAVE FOUGHT THE GOOD FIGHT.  I HAVE FAITH AND IT IS OKAY FOR ME TO GO HOME.”  

TWO WEEKS AGO, MY SISTER AND I LOST MORE THAN JUST OUR MOTHER.  WE LOST OUR ROCK, OUR BEST FRIEND, OUR BIGGEST CHAMPION AND I DO TRULY BELIEVE THAT SHE WAS TO SPEND HER 51ST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY WITH OUR DAD IN HEAVEN THE NEXT DAY.  

WHEN PEOPLE ASK HOW OLD SHE WAS AND I SAY “73,” THEY LOOKED SHOCKED AND SAY THAT IS YOUNG.  YEAH, IT IS BUT HER LEASE HERE WAS DONE AND GOD HAD AND HAS A BIGGER PLAN.  

AS I HAVE SIFTED THROUGH THE PICTURES OF NOT JUST MY LIFE BUT, MY MOTHER’S AND PREVIOUS GENERATIONS….MY MOTHER’S SMILE STOOD OUT TO ME DURING SO MANY DIFFERENT STAGES OF HER LIFE...I QUICKLY CONNECTED THAT AS THE SAME SMILE I SEE ON MY SISTER.

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID THAT OUR MOTHER WAS A WOMAN WITH A KIND, GIVING, GODLY HEART...I DON’T DISAGREE BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MY GIFTS AND TALENTS FOR SERVICE TO OTHERS IS FROM MY MOTHER.  I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE LAST BABY BLANKET SHE MADE WAS COMPLETED ON OCTOBER 16TH SO THAT IT COULD BE GIVEN TO RACHEL AND ELIZABETH ON THE 18TH.  SHE ACCEPTED PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY WERE AND TAUGHT US THAT GOD DID NOT PUT ANY OF US ON THIS PLANET TO JUDGE THE OTHER SIMPLY BECAUSE WE ALL MEET THE SAME MAKER.

THE ONE GLARING CHARACTER TRAIT THAT BOTH MY SISTER AND I HAVE BEEN GIVEN BY OUR MOTHER IS, WHILE WE EACH APPROACH IT DIFFERENTLY, THE ABILITY TO BE “MARTOLD.”  IF YOU WERE TO ATTEMPT TO FIND THIS DICTIONARY, YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO.  THIS IS DEFINED BY THE ABILITY TO JUST TELL SOMEONE EXACTLY LIKE IT IS.  MY SISTER’S APPROACH IS TO DO THIS WITH A RAISED RIGHT EYEBROW, PULLING HER HAIR BACK WITH HER CHEATERS AND DRAWING OUT THE WORD, “NOW …..”  THE PAST TWO WEEKS, THIS HAS BEEN A BLESSING BECAUSE IN MANY SITUATIONS THAT HAVE HAPPENED THAT FOLLOW THE PASSING OF A PARENT, I AM NOT TOO SURE THAT MY APPROACH TO THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO EFFECTIVE.  MY APPROACH IS TO JUST THROW IT OUT THERE, TYPICALLY WITHOUT A FILTER, AND DEPENDING ON THE LOCATION IT JUST MIGHT INCLUDE THE “F” WORD.

MY MOTHER LOVED HER FAMILY UNCONDITIONALLY...THIS WAS MOST EVIDENT WITH HER GRANDCHILDREN.  SHE WOULD DEFEND MY SONS AND BEG ME TO SPARE THE SORORITY PADDLE WHICH, EXCEPT FOR 2 OCCASIONS - 1 TIME EACH CHILD, I DID AT HER REQUEST.  WITH MY NEPHEW SPENCER, THE MOMENT THAT STANDS OUT IS WHEN HE STAYED THE NIGHT A YEAR AGO WITH US AND HE SAT ON HER LAP WHILE THEY READ A STORY.  

MY MOTHER WAS KNOWN FOR HER DEVOTION TO THIS CHURCH, THIS SANCTUARY, THIS CONGREGATION …. IT WAS  MY MOTHER’S ROCK….THAT HAS BEEN OUR BLESSING ALSO.  

GOD BLESSED ME WITH THE OPPORTUNITY A YEAR AGO TO MOVE MYSELF AND MY YOUNGEST SON INTO THE LITTLE BRICK HOUSE.  TO HEAR JEREMIAH AND HER LAUGHING AND TEASING EACH OTHER TOOK ME BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD AND MY PARENTS DOING THE SAME.  WE WERE REALLY JUST FINALLY STARTING TO HIT A GROOVE, A ROUTINE.  JEREMY AND I WOULD GET UP IN THE MORNINGS AROUND 5 AND IT WAS HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO WATER AND FEED THE ANIMALS AND TO WATER THE MOMO BECAUSE SHE COULD NOT LIFT THE BRITTA DISPENSER IN THE REFRIGERATOR.  SHE WOULD SPEND HER DAY WITH THE THREE CATS AND THE DOG.   SHE GOT HER EXERCISE BEING THE DOG’S BUTLER ALL DAY AND WOULD REMIND ME THAT SHE HAD DONE IT ALL DAY AND IT WAS MY TURN WHEN I GOT HOME.  SIX TO SEVEN WAS SACRED “FAMILY FUED” TIME.  THEN SHE WOULD LOOK AT HER RECORDINGS LIST ON THE DVR AND WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO WATCH WITH HER.  SINCE SHE CHOSE HER CABLE / SATELLITE PROVIDER ON WHO HAD HALLMARK, YOU CAN ONLY IMAGE THE AMOUNT OF SUGAR IN TV VIEWING ALONE….THE ONLY THING THAT WE NEVER REALLY MANAGED TO GET TO WAS THAT SHE COULD NOT START HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH ME THE MINUTE THAT I WALKED IN THE DOOR AND THAT IF WE WERE NOT IN THE SAME ROOM, THEN I COULD NOT HEAR HER.  THIS WAS USUALLY MARKED WITH ME YELLING “ARE WE IN THE SAME ROOM?”  WHILE MY SISTER HAS MY FATHER’S QUIET RESERVE, I AM MY MOTHER’S DAUGHTER AND CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING FOR AN INDEFINITE PERIOD OF TIME.  

I AM A FIRM BELIEVER THAT YOU ARE MARKED BY THE PEOPLE AND EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE.  I AM MARKED BY THIS EVENT IN VERY SUBTLE WAYS AND VERY PROFOUND WAYS.  IN THESE TWO WEEKS, I HAVE LEARNED THAT I HAVE TO NOW MAKE MY OWN GROCERY LIST, GET HOME TO LET THE DOG OUT BECAUSE SHE NO LONGER HAS A BUTLER ALL DAY, GRACIE (HER CAT) STILL DOESN’T LIKE ME, THAT I HAVE TO LEARN TO PAY ALL THE BILLS AGAIN, AND THE MOST PROFOUND IS THAT IT IS REALLY QUIET WHEN I GET HOME,  WHILE IT WILL BE AWHILE BEFORE I RECOMMEND THAT YOU TELL SOMEONE TO TAKE A NAP, I DO RECOMMEND THAT YOU ALWAYS SAY “I LOVE YOU” AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE SO VERY, VERY BLESSED. "

Courage As Action

On Friday, November 11, 2016... I gave my first true public speech. I was honored to be asked to give the key note speech for the American Legion Post 218 in my home town of Washington, Missouri. It was bitter sweet for me. On October 23rd, my mother passed away suddenly. On November 6th, I gave her Celebration of Life speech and on the following day, we had her interred with our father at Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery with military honors. It was extremely important to me that I give this presentation because I knew it was something that she was very proud of me being asked to do. To all my veterans, thank you for you service in uniform and continued service out of uniform.

"Commander Lay and Mr. Brinker, I want to thank you for this opportunity to speak.   

First, I want to take care of the elephant in the room.  Who his the person and what credibility does she have to be standing in front of us today?  I have not served this nation as a member of any branch of the armed forces. I am the daughter of two Air Force veterans, one the Korean War and the other the Vietnam Era; the niece of two World War 2 veterans; the granddaughter of an immigrant and a mother of two amazing young men.  I am a 26 year teaching veteran in our public education system.  A social studies teacher at heart that teaches students with identified educational disabilities.  While the classroom I am assigned is in the English hallway...while the courses I am assigned to teach are junior and senior English, Personal Finance, and College 101...I teach from the historical perspective.  The walls are covered with two American flags -  one of which has hung for 26 years, photos of both my parents in their service uniforms, Marine Corps motivational posters, a podium bearing the leadership traits of our military branches; photos of students from the school I teach at that have entered the military and are now either serving or have joined our quickly growing veteran population, photos of young men that have been killed in action in Iraq or Afghanistan. I am a very humbled and blessed citizen teacher that recognizes that the freedoms that I have every day are because of the service and sacrifices that you and your families have given.   For that, I thank you.

This year, the national poster for Veteran’s Day has a sole head of an American Bald Eagle with the word “COURAGE” in all capital letters and the traditional phrase “honoring all that have served.”  When looking in the dictionary, courage is a noun - person, place or thing - with the definition of “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty,danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.”  For many of us, courage is a verb - an action word - for me, I have seen courage as action.

In January of 2008, a former student was killed in action while serving in Baghdad, Iraq. It changed how I taught, parented, existed.  

I found myself becoming more involved as a support vehicle for the Patriot Guard Riders. I worked along side a Gold Star Father that honored his son by setting up the flags at Jefferson Barracks for memorial services...Courage as Action.

I started presenting to students in our United States History classes and asked the question, “What do you stand for?”  I met Julie Vinnedge, an amazing Gold Star Mother, whose son was killed in action in Afghanistan after being in country 16 days.  Every time that I am blessed to volunteer with Fallen Hero’s Dream Ride and Dream Riders, I see courage as action.

Miss Julie is the type of person that you do not say no to.  Actually, you say yes before you even know what you have gotten yourself into.  She came to me and said that she wanted me to work with a small GWOT veteran group.  During this time, I met a number of GWOT veterans.  Each one has allowed me into their worlds as far as they feel safe allowing me to go.  I have seen them conquer addiction to drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs...I have seen them isolate, I have grieved with them as they continue to lose brothers or sisters to suicide. Courage as Action.

I have seen them learn to walk again and to learn to live with new visible and invisible wounds.  Courage as Action.

I have seen them fight the Veterans Administration’s answer to solving the symptoms of PTSD by coming off the debilitating levels of benzodiazepines and other medications.  Courage as Action.

I have watched a small group of Vietnam Veterans, for the past 15 years, come and present to our US History classes about their experiences.  I have watched them heal, continue to heal, and to embrace a new generation of Veterans.  Courage as Action.

I said that I have two American Flags in my classroom...that second flag hangs as a reminder of how courage is action.  It is ripped through the lower middle portion and while I am very aware that to hang a flag that is ripped is considered disrespectful, it is with the utmost respect that it hangs there.   

On May 20th, 2013 an F5 tornado brought the community of Moore, Oklahoma to it’s knees.  The 1.3 mile wide tornado ripped through 17 miles … 24 people died … 7 of which were children at Plaza Towers Elementary.  Our small group quickly mobilized to deploy to assist in the search, rescue, and recovery efforts.  Two deployments of our group were already there when I arrived 4 days later with supplies and donations. Seeing the coverage of the damage on the news did not prepare me for what I woke up to the next morning.  As we set out on missions and scouted intel, I watched a group of veterans that were struggling in their daily lives to find purpose and define courage as action.  I saw smiles and heard laughter that I rarely saw or heard.  Their unique skill set from their tours of Iraq and Afghanistan had found a purpose in their civilian lives.  I saw courage as action when a little boy, that had been picked up prior to the tornado hitting Plaza Towers Elementary by his father and had not spoken since, was given a paracord bracelet by one of the veterans that carried the name of his battle buddy that was killed in action. Courage as Action.

That second flag is a constant reminder of Courage as Action.

Today, I come and ask you to be Courage as Action.

To not look at your service as in the past tense.  To embrace a new generation of veterans and their families.  To embrace a new generation of Gold Star Families and remind them that their loved one’s ultimate sacrifice is not forgotten.

When I was asked by Commander Lay to present a few months ago, I told my mother first and asked her if she would do me the honor of being here.  She said that she would and was very proud of me.  On Monday, I sat on a bench in one of Jefferson Barracks Committal Shelters next to my sister as a Navy veteran handed my sister and I her burial flag and stated “from a grateful nation.”  Those are words that as a veteran, you may seldom hear but from a grateful nation, from this grateful citizen….I thank you for the Courage as Action through your military service and ask you to continue to be Courage as Action after your military service.

Thank You"

Updated My Curriculum Vitae

About a year ago, I posted the Curriculum Vitae that I wrote as an example for my seniors to use when writing their's.  This is an activity that we do prior to reading "Into the Wild."  I feel that it is extremely important to examine your life periodically because when you do, I think you discover things about yourself.

Ms. Martell’s Curriculum Vitae

1) Born in rural Missouri, head first almost arriving before the doctor.

2) My birth year saw a “Purple Haze” of the Hendrix’s kind; Oscar was “A Man for All

Seasons;” and PBS was born.

3) My father walked high on steel beams across the Gateway to the West.

4) We moved East to The Bay State, the place of my father’s childhood.

5) We returned to the State of Misery

6) My 5th birthday party, my kindergarten class mates were invited but no one came.

7) Sundays were filled with sounds of an arm-chair football coach for Cardinals and

their giants, Dierdorf and Hart.  but the Steelers of Pittsburgh with Bradshaw and Swan were supreme.

8) After 2nd grade, another house, a new school, no friends

9) 4th Grade saw the arrival of the Fat Fairy and Mr. Alcorn that made a little girl

who loved school, hate school.

9) After 4th Grade, moved to the house of my inheritance.  New school … now

parochial not public.  Superficial friendships.

10) My father often slept at the kitchen table or on the back porch in his lawn chair induced

by the intake of Budweiser. There were arguments...threats to leave.

11) We traveled to Iran, “to where???” many said….to return 6 months later because of

a revolution, Islam, and Khomeini to questions of “where did you go?”   “Iran”    “Oh,

my, there????”

12) 8th grade came with the Big C….Cancer that is.  Innocence is ripped away, a little

girl skips being a teenager and is forced into adulthood.

13) Her body becomes the canvas for insurance paid tattoos.  The burn of 3300 RADs

of radiation a day, 5 days a week 4 weeks long.  The stares, mostly from adults.   

The smells, the burn, the ice, the vomit….all chemo, 2 times a month for 6 months.  NO PIZZA!  How will a 13 year old live!

14) 1985, She knew Stacy’s mom but not the one that they sang about.  College, away

from home, to the land of Sycamore Trees.   Anti-sorority socority girl…..sisters

were made for life.

15) 1991, first year of teaching….not much older than her students.  She learned from

them more than they probably learned from her.  24 years later, they are some of

her true and best friends.

16) 1997, she married at 30 to a man and his son.   1998, she adopted her oldest son.  

1999, she gave birth to her son, a toddler size blessing.

17) 2001, 9-11 A marriage starts to be enveloped in mental illness, verbal and

emotional abuse, the strength of the girl that became a woman was slowly

dismantled.  2007, The Big C comes again.

18) 2008, her world was rocked to the core with the KIA of a former student and the

daddy’s girl lost her daddy on this earth to her Father in Heaven… 2 guardian

angels she knows they were made..

19) 2012, the marriage implodes...she realizes that she is dead to herself, her family, her

friends, her students. She says it is time to bury the marriage and heal.  

20) November 2012, her Destiny becomes her Forever 16 Guardian Angel...her heart is

broken, her son’s heart is broken, it was so dark, so desolate, there was no light.

21) May 20, 2013, an F5 Tornado destroys Moore, Oklahoma.  She was led by a group of

veterans and responded to aid a community that she had no ties to.  In the wreckage, the destruction, the death, there was glimpses of beauty...it was a spiritual and humbling experience that would mark her

22) Her career is changing, not the students but the structure...becoming an industry

expecting cogs to to fit into a tight system.  Things she fought to get out of the

system have returned.  She continues to fight the system as a teacher that does

what is best for students and not what looks pretty on a chart or graph.

23) Her world continues to spiral until one day, she saw light…..faint light….but the

little girl….that skipped her adolescence….the woman she was slowly emerged…

24) She had set a date to go onto the next phase of her life, July 2020…if the system

allows her to be there that long.

25) She becomes one with her childhood home.  A home that was started in 1873.  She

knows the brick and mortar, she talks to it as if it was human.  To her it is because there are the writings of her father on the walls.  

26) Today, the light is bright.  She is perfectly imperfect.  

Bradley Cooper Completely Validates 2015 for Miss Marjorie!

In March of 2014, I started this blog know that I would fail.  Failure is part of life.  It so often has a negative connotation attached to it.  I remember when one of the mantras at the school I teach at was "Failure is not an Option at ****!"  I just looked at a few of my close peers and stated "but it sure as hell is a possibility."  As a teacher, I believe that failure is part of the equation for learning.  As Alexander Pope stated, "To err is human, to forgive is divine."  This past year, I have embraced my failures and by that, I mean that I have learned from them ... well, most of them.  There are a few that I am still figuring out.   I have not wallowed in self pity, sat around crying, ( I have cried but usually while driving), and beat myself up for my shortcomings.

A few years ago, a colleague and friend made this analogy about me.  "Christa," with a huge smile she said, "You are like a 747 taking off on a runway.  When you get an idea, you start at the end of the runway and get your engines going.  You then proceed down the runway and once you lift off the pavement and get into the air, there is no calling you back."  She is as right now if she were sitting by me today saying as she was then.  My 747 idea of 2015 was to make the life altering decision of moving back into my childhood home.  I written about the house previously, "Walls."  I turned 48 in September and did a lot of soul searching and realized that the house that I was working so hard to maintain, that's first section was built in 1873, was the heart of my existence... was going to be standing when I was ready to move in, I was going to have to stop paying out rent and utilities and put it into the house.   I had my 30th high school reunion in October and after consulting my 16 year-old son, asked my 72 year old mother if we could move.  With great delight, she quickly said yes and within a week, everything was set in motion for me to make the biggest decision of my life that would impact not just me but my son and my mother since my separation and divorce three years ago.

With this decision, I knew that my entire world was going to change.   I officially became a member of the "Sandwich Generation."  PEW Research shows that 1 out of 8 Americans between the ages of 40 and 60 are part of this generation.  We are simultaneously caring for one or more of our children and one or both parents.  We are stuck between these two other generations for a variety of reasons and or combination of food/household bills, debt, home renovation, medical costs, and or educational fees.  I have say that I am 100% all of those reasons.

First, I filed for bankruptcy in December of 2014 to recover from the divorce and debts that followed me out of the marriage.   I was granted a Chapter 13, which is the one that is primarily known as the "one you pay back" on.  So, there went a sizable amount of my monthly paycheck.  Secondly, the educational fees were still very much a part of my life.  I am still paying on my student loans from my Bachelor's and Master's.  While they are currently included in the bankruptcy, what is not paid by the time I am completed (December 2019), I will continue to pay.  My youngest son will graduate high school in June of 2017, so I will be looking at him being in college at least 3 semesters by the time my bankruptcy is complete.  Thirdly comes the food and household bills.  As a single parent of a 16 year old boy, you understand the line from Field of Dreams  - "if you build it, they will come" -  within the context of food.   If you buy it, they will eat it.  If you buy in bulk, they will eat in bulk.  I had a membership in Sam's and Costco's at one time and yes, while it was thrifty as I checked out of the store to have purchased the amount of food that I had for the price I had.  Reality set in when about a week later, most of the food was inhaled during some ritualistic grazing feast that teen boys observe.  Fourth is the repayment of debt which has basically been covered in the second of educational debt.  Fifth are medical costs.  There is therapy and prescribed medications on my part, my sons part and then you add the daft system of medicare for my mother...it totally sucks someone dry.  Lastly, and I think the greatest impacting factor, was home restoration.  It had become very clear to me that if I was going to be able to move into the house at some point later in life, I was going to have to be putting the money into the house that I had been putting into rent and other utilities.  I had already slashed cable/satellite from the budget and did not have a land line.  It made complete sense, monetarily.

For my mother, sister, and aunt, there came the security that I would be living with my mother, who at 72 has a pace maker and a tendency to fall.  For my son, well...I don't think there has been a huge change except that his bedroom would now be on the second floor and not the basement.  For me, there are the changes of boundaries.  I am not the little girl my mother raised and she is not the physically active mother she was as a child.  We have had to institute some understandings.  Momo (that is what we call her instead of Grandma) cannot initiate a conversation or carry a conversation on with me unless I am in the same room with her.  Mainly because I can't hear her over the TV, the animals, the boy, and whatever I am doing in the other room.  So I have taken to giving the blanket response when this understanding is misunderstood, "Are we in the same room? No!"    My phone.  My phone is a smart phone and it does a lot of really cool things.  It makes all kinds of really cool noises and sounds and yes they go off multiple times, but I am not a slave to my phone.  It is a smart phone for a reason and it takes messages.  The most recent understanding is that in the morning, you cannot ask me a series of questions or give me a series of tasks and expect me to accomplish them.  This is just not possible for a number of reasons.  First, I just woke up and my brain needs to be infused with coffee and my daily dose of Adderall for my ADHD.  My ADHD, my busy brain, my chemo brain, I think you get it.  Then there is my already non-existent social life that just became even more non-existent when I respond to the question, "Your place or mine?"  Well, it will have to be yours, because I live with my mom.  ( :/ )

So, the beginning of November 2015, I moved for the last time in my life and back to my childhood home and MY ROOM.  There was a peace and a comfort to this move that I am still working through.  It has been hard to get used to having television for the first time in two years.  I now live with the woman that chooses her satellite/cable provider by whether or not they have the Hallmark Channel.  So now that I have watched all the possible Christmas movies and with the start of the new year will come the Valentine's movies, I have determined that I will be in a diabetic comma by Easter, if not sooner.  One of the things that I requested be DVR'd was the Barbara Walters' Most Interesting People of 2015.  Ah, now comes the text to media connection!  (Yes, I play an English teacher at school.)   One of the individuals that she chose was  Bradley Cooper.  Yes, THE Bradley Cooper.  The one that we cannot simply fathom why he and Jennifer Lawrence area not together, because if one of us cannot have him why she should because she is just totally cool.   In the middle of the interview, Walter's asked him about his father's death and then indicated that after his father's death, he had his mother move in with him.  What?!?!?! did I just hear?!?!?!?!  Bradley Cooper, the man that was once told by his agent that he did not get certain roles because he was not "fuckable!" lives with his mom.  At that very moment, the biggest and smartest decision I have made in a very, very long time, was just validated by Bradley Cooper.

Why I Will Leave Education

Before you read this posting, you need to read this first: https://karareevesblog.wordpress.com/2015/11/26/a-not-so-graceful-exit-why-i-left-teaching/

I started to write this in the comments section of the sister that posted it with the simple statement "For my teaching friends and family...." but I thought it would be rude to go on a tirade on some one's page rather than my own. Then, a spark...Miss Marjorie this is so about your journey and the path you are on.

This brought me to tears. I know that I am one of those that cannot leave, yet. I know that I have to teach in the district I teach in until my youngest graduates (June 2017) because we do not live in the district and I have to teach until my bankruptcy is done (December 2019). June 2020 is my date for a probably not so graceful exit because simply, I don't do things with grace...usually it is loud and with a huge bang. I know that education is not the education that I came to 24 years ago. Change happens. I was never so idealistic that I thought I could save every child, but I was idealistic in that I could reach at the least one child. I went to college with the intention of becoming a Social Studies teacher and along the way (or my path less traveled) I landed in Special Education. I know that I have for various reasons, but mostly because they have told me and not because I sought out the validation. Their timing has always been impeccable, or rather God's, in bringing them into my life not once but twice. Without even asking a single one of them, I know in my heart and would stake my career on it, that the things that I have done have absolutely nothing to do with their performance on State and District wide assessments, "student engagement, higher-order thinking, Daily 5, everyday mathematics, common core aligned, critical thinking, portfolio assessment, hands-on, multiple intelligences, discovery learning, balanced reading, IEP, chunking, differentiated instruction, direct instruction, deductive thinking, extrinsic motivation, formative assessment, inclusion, individualized instruction, inquiry-based learning, learning styles, mainstreaming, manipulative, literacy, life-long learning,flexible grouping, data driven, SMART goals, DIBELS" (http://k6educators.about.com/od/professionaldevelopment/tp/7-Buzzwords-Your-Most-Likely-to-Hear-in-Education.htm) ... Think about it, envision leaders of governments doing a think-pair-share activity to problem solve a major world crisis or conflict....Not going to happen.

Here is what works, the adult drops whatever they are doing and listens to the child. Listening does not always mean that you are going to actually have vocalizations coming from the child, or young adult as I teach high school students. Is it important to cover the curriculum? Yes but, not at the expense to the individual or individuals. There are teachable moments that arise the very moment that you, as the teacher, have made the realization that you are running out of time to cover all that the curriculum says you must cover. I, without a doubt, believe that 100% of the students that I have had an impact on (whether I know it or not) will defend me in saying that because I seized that teachable moment (writing this and having visions of the genius that was Robin Williams saying "Seize the Day!"), I put aside all of the bull shit buzzwords above and started a completely off topic, out of discipline round table discussion in class or I have simply sat down and listened to what that individual was saying, has made the greater impact. Yesterday, on a Monday after a 5 day holiday break the last hour of the day, I attempted to lead a Kagan Strategies 4-Corners activity and was not being even as remotely successful as I had been the first hour of the day. With 25 minutes left in the class period, I announced that they had a choice to play nice and participate or I could guarantee them that I could talk for 25 minutes straight without a break with no problem and they would be my captive audience. A voice from within the crowd (of which I knew exactly which student it was by recognition of the voice) stated "I am sure that you could talk a lot longer than 25 minutes." We made it ten more minutes. For 15 minutes, that class sat in their desks and made eye contact with me as I spoke to them (not at them) about the American Dream. About what it means to be wealthy beyond measure and it has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of money you have. About the fact that the root word for activism is active. You must leave the confines of your safe environment and physically get out there and do something about it. You have to put yourself in places that are out of your comfort zone. You have to be active. That you must take responsibility for your own learning because I am not hear to teach you what to think but how to think while providing a safe environment for you to take the risks that are seizing the day. For 15 minutes, every student (even the ones that typically evade me) was looking at me and listening to what I was saying.  There was no side conversations and there were no phones out with extra curricular texting  What was it that indicated to me that my students were "cognitively engaged?"  Their body language.  When I hit a nerve, a sad place, a happy place, a I-never-thought-of-that place...you could visibly see changes in their expressions, their skin color, their movement in their seat. But the most glaring indicator, was that when the bell rang at the end that very long day, they did not start the ritualistic packing of the things to escape while I was still talking.  Cognitive engagement...and there was not an administrator in sight to evaluate me with the highest of all ratings of a 7 on the Network for Educator Effectiveness scale.  That 15 minutes was more meaningful to me than that 7 could or will ever be.

As a teacher, I have learned more from the people that have sat in those desks in front of me than I ever learned from a text book myself. I hope that, at least a few of them are able to say the same.

While 2020 seems far away, it is not. I have a plan. I am laying the path and it will not be in education.

A Daddy's Girl

I am a self professed Daddy's girl.  

Seven years ago tomorrow at 0400, my Pop accepted a position with God as a Guardian Angel.   Twenty days prior to that, we were told that tumor that had been removed from his brain was cancer that had metastasized from his lungs.  About a week before that, I was able to do something that many children never get to do, be the same rock for a parent that they had been for me.   

In 1980, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's  Pretty much any treatment that I had was experimental.   About a month short of my 13th birthday, I had a 12 inch incision made straight down the middle of my stomach.   That night (as I have been told) following the surgery, my Pop took that watch. What we consider as normal today, was experimental then.  I had staples inside that were to dissolve and the incision was taped closed.  I managed to rupture the incision that was taped closed.   

When my Pop was admitted to SLU for his surgery to remove the tumor, I was blessed to spend the night with him in the hospital as he had done for me.  Prior to surgery, we had noticed that he was having "word salad" and struggling more than he had ever been.   I remember him going down for his surgery that afternoon and it taking most of the day and into the night, when about 2200 hours, we were told that he was in recovery and doing well.  We were told to go home because it was so late but I had to see my Pop.   Mary and Mom left and I waited to see him.   When I was able to go back about an hour later, he was sitting up and it was as if all the symptoms he had been experiencing for the past 4 months to 7 years went away.   He was my Pop that I knew, joking and being sarcastic.  

I know that I am so blessed to have served him in the way that he had served me.   When we were told that it was cancer and that hospice would start the following day, I had no clue the journey I would be on for the next 20 days.   Those are days that I can say that treasure and hold in my heart.  Those are days that have defined me.   I remember Pop saying good bye to the boys while I was feeding him chicken broth.   He had lost his ability to speak and on that Thursday night, he slipped into a sleep that would last for four days.  I took the night watches and watch Seinfeld with him and laugh and just talk to him.   I pushed the morphine for him to remain comfortable.  I would inject it into his mouth and then use the bubble gum sponges to help with the taste.  He made some of the best faces that could rival Klem Kaddlehopper.    I remember his body settling into memory foam mattress.  I remember feeling his arms as his blood started pooling and I remember is skin getting softer and starting to model.   I remember laying in mom's bed and Mary waking me up at 0315 to tell me that Pop was almost through his journey.  With each breath, a breath that only they dying do, we would tell him that it was okay for him to go.   But Pop already knew that because he had told Mom and Mary to not worry about anything, Christa was strong enough and would take care of everything.  When he took his last breath, I just laid my head down on his legs and wept.  At 0400, I called Hospice and made the death notification.

My Pop's passing was very peaceful.  It was everything that he had prayed for.  It was quiet and the three women that had loved him unconditionally were right there with him.  I also believe that his mother was standing there waiting to greet him with open arms.  During the last week or so, we could here him talking and carrying on a conversation.  Now, this was not unusual but what was was when we asked who you talking to pop?  The answer was his mother and brothers.  I believe they helped him through the light.

I have been through a journey the past few years since my Pop's acceptance of this job as A Guardian Angel that have found me sitting next to his marker at Jefferson Barracks in tears and in laughter. I am my father's daughter. 

Treasure every moment of every day.  Know that you are blessed by so much that you cannot even see or know.   Love you, Pop.  I know that you are taking care of me every moment of every day.