At Two Months ... in reflection

You do something ... anything
It could be something as simple as laugh at a small child dancing to a live musician
It could be something as complex or intimate as make love
When whatever it is you were doing is done, you realize that for a Who-size moment in time... you did not think about them
About them not being here
You still see them and what they looked like the last time they were alive - breathing
Then that image is broken because you see them not breathing
The body
You know that it is the shell of the person who used to be there
You panic that you have dishonored them in some way
You are still in the all-engulfing darkness but it isn't as heavy or suppressing
To someone not in that same moment, situation, they have no clue how dark it still really is
You realize that the joy or pleasure could be felt along with all the pain
Your heart is still beating despite the pain of the knife that is still stuck there
There are a lot of moments when you don't want to be here anymore
You want to be with them
You question why you can't go with them
Why did God leave you alone
You remember there were all these faces and voices not so long ago saying words that you really didn't hear then and now have no clue as to what they could have even said
At this moment, you are the only one that has been here
No one has been here before
No one understands how you feel because they have not felt this way
You are trying so hard to be the kind of numb that feels nothing
You are short with people
The person closest to you that loves you to the moon and back because they can
Not because of blood
You take all your anger and frustration out on them
You aren't nice to them but you don't know it
You push them the furthest you can away from you
You inflict pain on them because you want them to know how raw you still are
Because you want them to feel the same pain
Your pain becomes anger
An anger that you didn't know you were capable of
The darkness is different
It is different because it is now being fueled by anger
Here you are at two months.